In the beginning… pt.IV

And this is how those days ended:

I sort of lost myself, permanently spacing out in late ‘99 then somehow hooked up with this incredible girl named F**** in early 2000, and just like with G**** before I sort of thought I was in love with her too only I’m not really sure- not really sure up until this day & age- whether I was really in love with her because when I think about it, I think I was in love with everybody back then.
In hindsight, I mean.

Whatever happened afterwards happened fast and scattered us all forward many years into the future where some of our best & our brightest stand over the hilltops of materialism and close to the cliffs of forgetfulness:

Sometimes when I’m alone in bed late at night & wide awake I wonder what F**** would ever think of me if she saw me now: In my head I can see her green eyes tinted crimson from crying and she’s asking me Whatever happened to the sweet kid with the big brown eyes who saw her through all the mess of her own life and never seemed to veer off righteousness and seldom lost his child’s smile and always, always, always knew what to say because he was so damn smart while she was so damn ordinary, and he seemed to know of everything back in those days and taught her so much, and- she was certain- would become such a wonderful father for their own children some day…?

And now she is (or would be) looking at this zero who’s taken the place of that bright kid and feeds on his own ego and doesn’t care about anybody or anything anymore, and all the adventures have long since ended because thrillseeking has been cut short to over-achieving in a very small way at the office, and sneering at everybody else who Can’t.

That poem I wrote back in 2000…
That poem I wrote back in 2000 ended with the following question: Who’s there to save the world?, and whenever I think back of F**** and God whenever I think back of G**** or even of you too, or hell even of L**** or K**** or D**** or B**** or A**** or R**** or P**** or the rest of the guys, I grow up a little.

Only, I grow up in the shade.