Batman vs. Dracula: Setting the record straight

Every three days or so DC Comics comes up with a new Batman vs. Dracula story, or so it seems. I think we’ve had about a half a dozen of those to this day, and every one of them inevitably boils down to an excuse for turning Batman into a vampire, as a leather-winged terror of the night, etc, and this is utter crap you know.

First of all I don’t think I can even consider the idea of a vampire living in a 21st-century metropolis such as Gotham City: I mean, the sheer ratio of modern-day blood pathogens-per-person alone… And second, Batman himself.
If I ever wrote a Batman vs. Dracula story, Batman would end up throwing his F-4 Phantom Batplane over the king of the undead, its wings loaded with holy water, and there would be this huge explosion, etc.
But then, pretty much all my Batman stories would end up with Batman throwing his jet-plane at the super-villain…

This is my attempt at coming up with a more original Batman vs. Dracula story, hopefully with an ending other than my omnipresent “Okay, Dick. Ram ‘im with the Batplane”:


Dracula: “Prepare to join my legion of the undead, oh thou mauve-and-blue champion of righteousness.”
Batman: “My costume is not mauve and blue, it’s gray and black.”
Dracula: “I’ll grant you the black bit as a result of traditional India ink comic book lightning and shadings effects… but the longjohns are definitely mauve.”
Batman: This is light gray and helps me to blend into the shadows of Gotham City and strike fear into the hearts of the criminal scum.”
Dracula: “That doesn’t even make sense: How can you expect to blend in the shadows wearing light gray spandex anyway?”
Batman: “Yeah, says the Victorian spook dressed up like a bad Vaudevillian performer…”
Dracula: “This is the garb of Transylvanian nobility! It has been in the possession of my family for hundreds of years!”
Batman: “Seems to me more like a family of 1920s stage-magicians, that’s what…”
Dracula: “Robin.”
Batman: “Gee how original… Mentioning Robin as leverage… That’s not even fair!”
Dracula: “I never really understood why the hell you ever clad a 12-year old in chainmail underwear, for chrissakes…”
Batman: “All of our crimefighting gear has been conceived to strike fear in the heart of the criminal scum…”
Dracula: “But in green chainmail underwear?!”
Batman: “You had a moustache in the original version… Whoever heard of a super-villain with a moustache?!”
Dracula: “The Thinker… Sinestro… Cesar Romero as the Joker in your own 1960s TV series…”
Batman (thinking): ”I seem be no match for the Prince of Darkness! I must use all my wits to overcome his evil dialectic powers!”
Dracula: “Again… Prepare to join my legion of the undead, oh thou mauve-and-blue champion of righteousness.”
Batman (into communicator): “Okay, Dick. Ram ‘im with the Batplane…”


--And fade to mauve.
I mean, to black! Fade to black!