The Egyptian Book of the Dead describes how a dead man´s spirit is set to be judged on the netherworld by the jackal-headed god Anubis, weighing the mean´s heart against a feather. Your heart´s heavier & you´re a goner, kiddo and you´ll be dismembered into oblivion by a spirit-eating demon lying conveniently nearby.

I have studied my whole life but not really in the Ah. Traditional or orthodox sense of the word I guess and to this day I feel that the Free-world´s motto for higher learning should come from a 1980s Bruce Springsteen rock song which goes sort of like “We busted outta class / Had to get away from those fools / We learned more from a ten-minute record than we ever learned in school.”
I am therefore quite ready to handle Judgment on my own terms. I´m positive that if push ever comes to shove I´m able outsmart God and assure my way into his Heaven despite the fact that I´m a card-carrying Atheist and will be right up until five minutes after I´m dead. If God´s ever real, though, I can take on him. In fact, find me in a good week and I´ll prove to you I can take on everyone on a huge list just short of James Spader´s character in Boston Legal (the TV show). I´m not that good.
That said, I hereby make it public that I have devised a way out, no better yet- a perfectly logical explanation for justifying any heinous act I might have done in life. Bring on the nasty stuff, bring out the skeletons off the closet, I´m on it, I´m right there.

Superman has his Kryptonite and I used to shoplift when I was a kid. From ages 8 to 11 (approx.) I was the terror of the supermarket, a relentless force of evil raiding through the aisles and shelves out for two things:
Exhibit A is Chocolate even though I had the money, mostly for the sheer thrill of it. I can do this, they´ll never catch me. They never did.
Exhibit B is, oddly enough, Condoms. I´ve never had that many condoms in my pockets or wallet than when I was 10, go figure [Everybody´s got a couple of funny stories about running out or having none of the stuff in a given peculiar moment. Get me drunk one of these days and I´ll let you know about the thing during my grandfather´s funeral].
Once puberty struck I let it go just like that, not fun anymore.
I have, then, no justification for doing that- and this from a guy who absolutely botched everything he did during the College years and is clearly capable of acquitting himself of all those charges and more- so I´m watching out for any incoming jackal-headed people.

Quite the number of ass-headed people at work, though, but they probably can´t operate a scale.
Nor hire James Spader´s character anyway.