From our brand-new series, Disturbing things to tell other people

Last night I dreamed that the biblical Tower of Babel was a ziggurat made entirely of Belgian Chocolate-flavored Haagen-Dazs rising upwards from the desert sand like a huge, sinful thorn imparted upon creation.

I woke up as God melted it down on the grounds that, “Mankind needs to cut down on its calories anyway.”